Good Clean Comebacks For Jerks: 100 Insults You Can Use

Looking for something better than I’m rubber and you’re glue? Here’s ___ retorts that you can have chambered and ready to use whenever you need good comebacks for jerks.

  • Oh, I heard you, I just don’t care
  • You have delusions of adequacy
  • Here’s an idea, go play in traffic
  • I’ve been called worse by better people
  • The village called, they want their idiot back

Not every retort has be to a mean comeback, but they are always better when they are…

  • I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong
  • Don’t feel bad, there are many people who have no talent
  • I like the way you try so hard
  • If you are going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
  • It is impossible to underestimate you

  • You are proof that evolution can go in reverse
  • Isn’t it dangerous to use your entire vocabulary in one sentence?
  • I like you. People say I have no taste, but I like you
  • Your face looks like it caught fire and someone put it out with a baseball bat
  • You changed your mind? Does this one work any better?

Sometimes these can be used as good comebacks in an argument…and sometimes because you just want to make yourself feel better…

  • Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
  • Are you always a ray of sunshine?
  • If you worked out as much as you ran your mouth, you’d be in great shape
  • You say that like it is a bad thing
  • Oh….this is how conversation works

  • You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probably be stupid
  • Why is it okay for you to be an idiot, but not for me to point it out
  • I may not be perfect but at least I am not you
  • I was going to give you a disgusted look but I see you’ve already got one
  • Your lips are moving but all I hear is blah, blah, blah

You know, just about every one of these is something I should have said at one point in my life….I will make it my life’s work to try each of these out at least once…

  • I love the sound you make when you shut up
  • You are as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle
  • Did someone leave your cage open?
  • You are a ground-hugger, a real low-life
  • I’d punch your face, but I can’t stand the thought of touching you

  • The only thing wrong with me is that I’m talking to you
  • You should come with a warning label
  • If I threw a stick, you’d chase it, right?
  • Whatever is eating you must be suffering horribly
  • Its good that you aren’t letting education get in the way of your ignorance

Savage comeback. Clean comeback. But savage.

  • You’ll never be the man your mom is
  • Now I understand why animals eat their young
  • You are the reason nobody likes you
  • Earth is full, go home
  • This is the perfect time for you to become a missing person

  • I’d love to insult you, but you probably wouldn’t understand
  • I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are
  • I believed in evolution until I met you
  • Impressive, I’ve never seen such a small mind inside such a large head before
  • The jerk store called, they are running out of you

Good Comebacks For Jerks Don’t Have To Be Complicated

  • You have the rest of your life to be a jerk, why don’t you take the day off
  • Do you like nature, despite what it did to you?
  • They say opposites attract, I hope you meet someone intelligent
  • You are like a hemorrhoid, a pain in the rear that won’t go away
  • May you run out of toilet paper when you need it most

  • You are about as sharp as a bowling ball
  • I would love to insult you but I’m afraid I would do as well as nature did
  • Aw, its so cute when you talk about things you don’t understand
  • May all your bacon burn
  • Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you are a jerk

Simple enough even to be used as comebacks for kids…

  • Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental
  • I’m jealous of people who don’t know you
  • There are petri dishes more cultured than you
  • Your words, not mine
  • Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?

  • If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world
  • They don’t give trophies for last place
  • Nobody likes you
  • Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go
  • You aren’t stupid, you just have bad luck while thinking

Everyone enjoys good clean roasts…

  • If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents
  • Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find your brain back there
  • Unless your name is google, stop acting like you know everything
  • Please be patient, I will get to you shortly
  • Don’t think, you might sprain your brain

  • Too bad you can’t photoshop your ugly personality
  • Keep talking, some day you’ll say something of value
  • The problem with close minded people is that their mouths are always open
  • Hi, I’m a human being, what are you?
  • Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job

You don’t have to use rude comebacks….but then again it can feel pretty good when you do…

  • I can’t seem to remember your name, and please don’t help me
  • Whoa, I know you have fantasies but please keep them to yourself
  • Jealousy is a disease, get well soon
  • People clap when they see you, they clap their hands over their eyes
  • you are proof that God has a sense of humor

  • Is that right, and what exactly have you accomplished that makes you Einstein?
  • A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind
  • I’m busy right now, but I would be happy to ignore you some other time
  • In the land of the witless, you’d be king
  • Quick, check your face, because I just found a nose in my business again

Smooth comebacks are the best comebacks, delivery is everything!

  • I’d prefer a battle of wits, but you appear unarmed
  • Just because you think you are important, doesn’t mean you actually are
  • Where is your off button?
  • I hope you fall down with your hands in your pockets
  • You are the reason God created the middle finger

  • Yes, your opinion matters, but not to me
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents, for example
  • Keep it up, and you will become that strange smell in the attic
  • You should use glue instead of chapstick
  • I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional roller coaster

I bet you could use these good comebacks in a fight…

  • I’ve been called worse by better
  • I found the attention you are looking for
  • If you are waiting for me to care, you’d better pack a lunch, it’s going to be a while
  • I’m not rude, I just don’t like you
  • Is your drama going to have an intermission soon?

  • I don’t understand, but I also don’t care, so it works out
  • I may not be perfect but at least I am not you
  • Cool story, Bro
  • Zombies eat brains, so you are safe
  • Of course I’m talking like an idiot, how else would you understand me?

Enjoy yourself? Find anything you can use! Leave us your best comebacks in the comments for everyone to enjoy!

Also, before you go, check out more from our community of contributors, such as:

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